Almost over

So here we are, at the very end of a year that felt like a life time. To most people I hear it went by quite fast, to me It felt never ending. While I had the most intense year of my 25 years of life I am incredibly grateful for being given a new chance at life, a new chance at a cure and a new chance at being happy. After being diagnosed with IIH in june of this year my entire world changed. Having surgery to stabilize my weight and keep me from gaining in order to try and cure the IIH changed it even further. While I hate my IIH I am so very grateful for my sleeve gastrectomy and what it has done for my life. I am looking forward to 2011 and the new me, the healthier me, and hopefully soon the IIH free me. I went from blinding migranes daily to now only once a week or so.. and if you can imagine the worst headache of your life everyday you would understand my gratitude! I am so Happy to start school back up again in january at UVU and hopefully be accepted into the U for summer semester. I am happy that I am able to do all of these things and have the energy and health to do so. I most deffinately need to make some decisions about life in this next coming month that can affect me for the rest of my life and I am hoping God will stand by me to make the right decision. This year I very spur of the moment decided to drive down to california and spend my new years on the beach with Randi. I couldn't possibly be happier about the company and the location. I hope this small getaway helps me make some rough decisions. I need to destress! Overall Id like to thank everyone who has supported me this year in such big changes, to my best friends who stood by me and understood what i was going through. I could not be any luckier with the friends I have been blessed with, and even more so with family. So here is to 2010, the amazing, the horrible, the terrifying, the trully unforgettable moments, the memories made, the friends made and lost, and most of all here is to SELF DISCOVERY, understanding and dreams. I love you all, and wish you all the best new year yet, I surely know this is my time to shine!
Love you all!

You have't seen the last of me

Feeling broken

Barely holding on

But there's just something so strong

Somewhere inside me

And I am down but I'll get up again

Don't count me out just yet



I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me



They can say that

I won't stay around

But I'm gonna stand my ground

You're not gonna stop me

You don't know me

You don't know who I am

Don't count me out so fast



I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

You haven't seen the last of me


There will be no fade out

This is not the end

I'm down now

But i'll be standing tall again

Times are hard but

I was built tough

I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of



I've been brought down to my knees

And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking

But I can take it

I'll be back

Back on my feet

This is far from over

I am far from over

You haven't seen the last of me



No no

I'm not going nowhere

I'm staying right here

Oh no

You won't see me begging

I'm not taking my bow

Can't stop me

It's not the end

You haven't seen the last of me

Oh no

You haven't seen the last of me

You haven't seen the last of me

Merry Christmas

Thank you's, achey achey's and upcoming construction.

I am so so grateful for my family and friends, especially around this time of the year when I feel the mushiest :). It has been a fantastic month for me, I hope i stays that way! I am so grateful for all the love and support i get, sometimes I wonder what I have done to deserve so many amazing people. I am humbled and grateful for all of you! As the end of the year approaches, I am feeling incredibly thankfull for all the experiences I had this year. Wow I cannot believe how fast it all happened. I plan on writing a post all about he memories of this year later this month, watch for it. On this post Id like to talk about some surgery related stuff! So as a lot of you know, I have now lost 59 lbs! It has been quite the journey and I am so very happy, that is a LOT to lose in 3 1/2 months! I am feeling completly normal, and even eating some sushi at the moment, so to have the best of both worlds has been an incredible blessing in my life... I owe my surgeon, he saved me! I have ran into quite a few problems during this time though, so it hasn't all been peachy. First we had the gallstones, then the throwing up every day... then the weakness... basically It was rough for quite some time, and now I feel like im reaching that point once again in a different area. While I have been very grateful that I haven't had any hair loss (i hope im not speaking too soon) I have been finding many new bones in my body, most of them because of the pain they are causing! I feel like all this restructuring that is happening is making my body angry.
     It all stared when I felt like I had an ear infection. Since I had just recently been to the doctor I kind of put it off for a week or so thinking maybe it would just dissapear. Since I have never had one before I thought this must be what it feels like since my ear aches, along with feeling like there is water in my ear because I can hear my voice echoing in my head when i talk, or breathe.. weird right? anyway I read a lot about natural medications so I was going to try what I knew was great for ear infections (garlic oil) but instead ended up at the doctor. After doing 3 different tests on me the doctor finally realized that I have TMJ... awesome! especially since I can't take anti infammatories. Oh yeah, that same day my carpal tunnel kicked up again, and later in the week I started having hip and knee pains again. My doctors have said that this is totally normal while I am losing weight fast, so why did no one tell me about this? Anyway, since I cannot take anti inflammatories I started studying, and reading everything I could to figure out how to make myself feel better, and I am happy to say that I have figured it out! So Id like to share it with all my sleeve friends, since I know many of you go through the same issues I do on this. I know a lot of people have doubts about oils, so make sure that the store you bought it from accepts returns if it doesn't work for you since those things can get pricey!
I started my search with a company called DoTerra, (doterra.com) and the first and only oil i purchased is called Pastence. Pastence is a very pure mixture of wintergreen, lavender, peppermint, frankinsence, cilantro, marjoram, Roman Chamomile, Basil and rosemary. This tingly oil sort of feels like icy hot and smells quite strong (i love the smell). This oil alone is made for aches and pains, headaches and tension. This oil alone did not do much for my TMJ and carpal tunnel, however did get rid of a pretty bad headache caused by tension. So I continued to do my homework. I kept running across Lemongrass. While a lot of websites talked about the aromatherapy of it, I found out that it is actually quite potent as an anti inflammatory. I went to my local natural store to take a look. while I was there I found another oil by wyndmere called aches and pains. This is also an oil blend containing clove, birch, rosemary, black pepper, coriander, cypress and marjoram. I bought this as well as the lemongrass paid about 15 bucks for the two, and 24 for the Pastence one. While the pastence can be directly applied (its a roll on) the other ones ask for a carrier oil. This means that they are too harsh for the skin to be used alone. I chose to purchase almond oil in a bigger bulk bottle (6 bucks) to mix it all in since almond oil is great for the skin and this was going on my face. I applied the pastence roll on, let it dry then mixed in about 10 drops of almond oil to 5 drops of each lemmongrass and aches and pains and applied all of that to my temples, my jaw line, my wrists and my hip. I am happy to announce that within 5 minutes my pain was mostly gone, within 10 minutes it was non existent. For someone who cannot take anti inflammatories, this was a great discovery! For all of us post op people, if you didn't know, unless directly told by your doctor, you should stay away from anti inflammatories as they are death onthe sleeve.
Please let me know if any of you have questions on this, I would love to help.
Things are great right now, I cannot wait for the holidays! I am soon celebrating 4 months of dating Carson, which is a huge thing for me... I am so happy! Also, I have hired a friend to design my blog for me since I am not so good at these things. She went to school for web design and currently works designing our states phone books! She is incredible at what she does and I am super stoked to see what she has been working on for me. As soon as she is done, I will post her information if any of you would like her services as well.
Stay tunned for a brand new blog!!!

Shopping

So after an incredibly long day in the kitchen, cooking ALL of thanksgiving dinner by myself, I decided to take a gander at some of the sales going on around midnight... and that turned into an all night shopping event... between walmart and old navy until 6 am... in which then i changed and went straight to work...in the mall... DUMBEST idea I have ever had. I hope to never have to work retail on black friday again, I wanted to dig out my eye balls. anyway I ended up missing the Jazz game with Carson because i was hallucinating from not sleeping..... sad day! but overall it was a really good turnout, I got a bunch of cute pjs, here is a picture :)

silly

What an interesting week. Two thanksgiving parties, amazing friends... my dad had surgery (he is fine), an old friend passed away... Holy overwhelming! but on the good news, I have lost 5 lbs this week! maybe its from all this dancing I do lately :)

stanky leg

this happened purely by accident... minus cam.. he was on purpose.

Man I love me some Randi!

Blur

I do appologize for the bad lighting and blur... actually im grateful for the blur because my face was a mess... but here is a newly updated picture of my weight loss so far. I NEVER wear shorts... I love wearing them now, even if its just around the house because its so cold outside! I also treated myself to some new uggs, and a new coach bag for my success so far... oh and some new clothes! I spent some awesome times with Carson this week as well so over all I am very happy! I have been eating string cheese like its going out of style and im afraid sometimes it replaces meals for me! I need to keep track of what im eating better. <3 you all!

Rambling :)

Life has been a big bag of discoveries lately. Though sometimes I find my trials to be hard and quite stressfull they somehow teach me something valuable and in the end it all works itself out. I find that this seems to be the case everyone, and the real lesson in life is learning to be patient enough to see the ending results. I just wish I could remember this every time! I heard something the other day that stuck in my head, Pardon my misquoting, but it was something along the lines of  If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, You are right. Think about it for a minute. We all fail, we all cry about it...we all give up. We all win, we all enjoy praise (weather we admit it or not) and we all rejoice. This is of course speaking in a generalized form, and I only make this "exception" for the people in denial about their emotions....ugh (if this made no sense, it's most likely not you). Some or maybe all of you may be wondering the purpose of everything I just said, weather you found it inspiring or just kind of threw it aside, I wanted to share my personal insight. I keep talking about how much I have grown..blah blah etc.. Yet I constantly fail in proving myself so. I figured out that there is absolutely no purpose in proving yourself of anyone else that you have "grown" or whatever. Once you come to terms with the fact that we are all a little crazy, emotional, mature, childish, selfish, idiotic, happy, senseless, caring..etc You might reach the point where you are OK with it. even if sometimes you aren't. ---Since I have been losing weight a lot of things have been changing in my life and most of them I never saw coming. I have made some awful decisions, some great ones... and I've actually been okay with it all. I don't really care to go into further details. Id like to talk about some of those changes. first of all HOLY EMOTIONAL BATMAN..... I swear I am the poster child for bipolar/PMS. Being that I am fully aware of this I have actually gained quite a bit of control over it all and I am OK. I was told that my hormones would be affected, I was not told I would become permamently Pms lol. OH... and noone told me that I would be freezing all the time.. thanks. I have experienced quite a bit of emotional events anyway, this was the icing on the cake. I started getting close to the one man I loved enough to die for (way cliche I know..) then I have a life changing surgery and  not even 2 days after getting out of the hospital from surgery I met the man who might have possibly changed my life forever, yet because of my past that I cannot let go of I struggle a lot to make this work. I learned that my biggest struggle is that I don't feel like I deserve to have someone trully love me that much. Tell me over and over again I am being stupid and my subconscious will NOT listen. However, being aware I am slowly becoming. All I want to do is blame the one person in my past who I found responsible for all my failures in love. Its so easy to blame him. I have done it for years. I recently came to the conclusion that while I did deserve to be treated much better...(I know this now) he was absolutely at no fault for my personal failures with love. Its much bigger than that. I settle. And I fight for what I settle for. I could go on and on about my reasonings... my fears...blah blah who cares? Being aware of it is all that matters and it is like a HUGE freaking weight off my shoulders. I don't need to blurt out details but even though I broke up with Carson last week, we have still very much been seeing each other, This needed to happen because I want things to move slow, and in the three months we have been together slowing down was much needed. It is VERY different to be in a serious relationship with a full time father of a 6 year old, even if he is cute as heck. I don't know if Carson is the "one" and right now it's okay to just be with someone who genuinely cares about me so much. Im doing things very different with him and so far it worked.
So now that this is all off my chest (thank you for reading oh so patiently through my rambling) lets talk about my HEALTH.. my weight loss... all that fun jazz non emotionally related :).. in 9 days It will be 3 months since surgery! I cannot believe how fast time passes. I have officially lost 50 lbs (its been a few days since I've checked actually) and I feel incredible. First off I am losing all of this while eating which is grand, second of all nothing tastes better than healthy feels. I have become a string cheese queen... I eat it every day 3 times a day between meals to help my protein intake. I honestly don't pay that much attention to what I eat though, and I started working out again since my gallbladder removal a month ago. My weight loss is slightly on the slower side of things because I don't have that much to lose. People's reactions are by far my favorite... as we all know I like attention, and im getting it. Weirdly enough I have actually become a lot more conservative. I just recently got a very seasonal part time job to pass the time until school starts again in January, Im working at Victoria's secret. The pay really sucks, but honestly is such a nice breath of fresh air from a serious job, and im not really doing it for the money. Overall, life is falling into place... somedays I want to shut off the world, others I embrace it. I am taking this all one step at a time. Thank you all for reading my blog, It is a huge release for me to let it all out into words. <3 I hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving!

Art

5 Hours, 3 different graphite pencils and a very slow day equals a drawing of Roger and I that Im quite proud of :)

Jar of hearts

You are a part of my past... but you're still haunting my present every single day.

HaLLoWeEn

This was from Ryan's party, where I dressed as Meredith Grey

What an amazing weekend this has been. Ryan's party friday was a total success.. I was Meredith grey and Ryan was Derek, I made taylor come and be Christina Yang hahaha, I love my asian midget :) Saturday Bre and I went to Clayton's and then Kodak's to finish off the night, saw so many friends I love and got to spend some much needed time with the boyfriend. Saturday night I was Snooki from Jersey shore... as much as I hate that stupid show I knew this would be an easy and perfect (cheap) costume... It was a total hit.. I even had people ask to take pictures with me. All I had to buy was theater orange make up to look like I tan too much and a bumpit for her insane hair. Yes I wore a bump it... no they are not comfortable. Today was spent watching halloween shows and movies, and ended with watching the original halloween at the Camerons. All in all it was a fantastic weekend. this month has been rough for Carson and I, mostly because I couldnt see him for almost 10 days and due to a lot of stress on both of us and my mood swings we were not having a good time. This weekend was so good for us, I may be the luckiest girl on earth to have such a patient, loving, incredibly sweet boyfriend. He proves that to me more and more every day... He's the best thing that's ever been mine <3. Here are a few pictures for those of you who are not on my facebook! Please notice how orange I am in all of them haha.

43 and healing

3 weeks since my last surgery. (gallbladder removal) Im finally able to say I feel like this is trully the road to recovery... physically and emotionally. Its been a rough few months and im ready to put it past me... Im ready to leave it where it belongs and enjoy my life. I haven't beein doing much of that lately!

After fighting a rough infection the past few weeks, being on bedrest and filling up on pain meds and antibiotics I can honestly say I would like to stay as far away from anything medical as I can right now, and I cannot wait until I can get back to the gym! This whole journey has been emotionally drainning, and at times i honestly thought I was crazy, I tried to push everyone away, i had crying spells... I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me for a whole week, and i sure couldnt explain it either, until i realized that it was stress, mixed with my very sensitive to medicine body being full of very strong pain killers, which have a history of emotionally attacking me. Thankfully I have an amazing support system, great understanding friends, an incredibly patient boyfriend and very supportive parents, who got me through all of this and never once questioned or judged me. Thank you :) Finally after realizing all of this I requested to switch medications and I felt the difference within 24 hours. I hate drugs! 3 weeks later I am feeling like a new woman. My infection is finally gone and I seem to be getting back to my healthy self. I was finally let off bed rest and I am now working on just taking really good care of myself and my health. On the good side of things, as of yesterday I have now lost 43 pounds! I have also lost 8 inches from my waist, 4 inches from thighs, 2 from each arm and 7 from my butt! I never thought I would lose that much weight without starving myself. I realize that I have been through hell and back and that of course did help with the weight loss but I am happy to know that those pounds are gone forever along with my high blood pressure, my high blood sugar, my intracranial hypertension and knee pain. GONE. It feels so good. Aside from everything negative I am trully happy right now. The changes going on within me right now are more than i ever imagined would happen in such a short time but I am so grateful. Im going to continue to fight against the emotions that sometimes try to overtake me due to all the physical changes i have going on, and I will continue to fight for my happiness, even if sometimes life gets rough, which i expect it will ;). I am grateful I have people in my life who are willing to stand by me and love me.

Have you ever had everything you could ever ask for but question all of it? have you ever questioned reality? questioned your own existance and its purpose? Have you ever looked at the people around you and wondered what they really saw in you when all you see is emptiness?
Have you ever feared losing someone you loved so much? have you ever held a secret deep inside that you wish you could scream to the world and hope someone would understand and comfort you?
Have you ever faked for so long it became a reality? Have you ever known deep down the right answer but still questioned it everyday in hopes that answer would change? have you ever wanted to scream so loud that all of your emotions would come spewing out and suddently you could float away?

I have.

their taking all my organs!

So many things happened this week! first off lets catch up...Remember all those emotional bipolar mood swings I was having? I was in the middle of one Sunday when I had a very sudden takemybreathaway sort of pain on my upper abdomen. First thought in my mind was A. I am having a heart attack, B. I just tore my stomach open somehow..(yes the pain was really that bad.) After going back into my room and crying my eyes out due to anxiety, stress and now a sharp pain I made the decision to go to the ER and make sure I was alright. I should have already known something this stupid would have happened....I had an idiot Doctor, what else should I have expected at Utah valley hospital? Good doctors?? never! anyway so as I usually have to do when i see those doctors i proceded to tell him what tests I should have done since he was just trying to treat me for an anxiety attack (moron). During the time he did an ultrasound of my upper abs the extremely nice ultrasound tech asked me about my last meal.... and I proceeded to tell him that I had only eaten one bite of food roughly 10 hours prior due to feeling quite nauseous and slightly crazy. His response was "huh...thats weird" and said nothing else. Even though I understand he isnt supposed to diagnose me I eventually got him to tell me that my gallbladder was contracted, and that he saw some stones. We discussed that this contraction only happens after a big meal and that it was weird that this was not my case at all. Later the doctor we will call Dr. Moron came into the room and proceeded to talk about this same thing. He insisted that i was lying to him about the last time I ate because it was not possible.... he then told me that my nervous breakdown was all in my head and it could never relate to my stomach, once again said i had anxiety and sent me home. I was not happy about this at all but did just as I was told... took the meds and passed out. The next morning I woke up feeling worst than ever.. between the incredible urge to kill everyone and the nausea, stomach pains and acid reflux I knew something was wrong and I was pretty determined to find out. Most people that know me well know that I study so much about the human body I probably know more than half those idiots in that hospital... so once again I went back to the hospital in hopes of someone who would listen. This doctor was still an idiot... BUT he was nice, caring and willing to listen to my theories and not just send me home. His first idea was a cat scan to check my stomach. (worthless because you cannot see gallbladders through cat scans enough to tell what is going on.) but he felt it was necessary so we did it anyway. He tells me I have an infection located roughly where my pain was, which then led him to assume he figured it out... and tried to send me home again! I cried. I cried out of frustration. I asked him to do another ultrasound.... and needless to say 10 minutes later I was admited for emergency surgery on my now very inflamed gallbladder. Thanks for nothing doctors...  Turns out after while doing some research... I came to find out one of the first symptoms of gallbladder infection/stones is anger, mood swings, anxiety and panic attacks... and I found SEVERAL articles about it... yet neither one of the doctors knew this...did you get your degree from a cereal box?
These guys were going to open me up! how reassuring eh? Anyway about 10 hours later and many many doses of narcotics I was put under and my little worthless gallbladder was removed. Happy it was over but sad i had to recouperate again I woke up several hours later with nothing but love surrounding me :) and not knowing this week would turn into a nightmare. What was supposed to be a 1 day outpatient surgery slowly turned into a week.... a simple surgery slowly turned into 2 surgeries because of an infection.... and suddently I had liver failure and instead of treating me for it the stupid nurses kept putting catheters in me in hopes I just wasnt peeing due to the anasthetics/narcotics.... wow. It was way too much stupid for one week! I finally came home, after a miracle everything started working again. I felt so blessed. In so many ways. every single day I had multiple visits from quite a few people... and realized that I am incredibly blessed to have this much love in my life. So many caring words... Mallori brought me her blankie, which helped me get through the nights  (im still sleeping with it) and Carson tucked me in every night and put me to sleep.... I could not ask for a better best friend or a better boyfriend. Ive been home since yesterday and I am taking it one day at a time. I am still quite nauseous and food has become a task. Bedrest is honestly torture and I really miss the gym but I am being optimistic and hoping that I will conquer this too, just like I have everything else. I have been humbled by my experiences lately. I learned that I have a lot more love in my life than I ever thought. I am so grateful...for my family.. my friends.. my amazing boyfriend who amazes me more and more every single day because he keeps proving to me that I deserve someone that special who truly cares.
I hope to be out of this bed again soon and enjoying fall. Thanks for all the love and support!

Mood swings

     Anyone else have crazy hormonal episodes? because mine are totally out of whack. I had an extremely bipolar week lol. I am hoping and praying this will pass, for everyone's sake! I Went fourwheeling again today and got rained out... then found out my camera decided to retire after a very dusty summer (sand dunes and camping were rough on my camera)..
     Working out has been great!!! minus releasing the endorphins which should be helping my mood. After learning how to work out efficiently and correctly with my personal trainner I actually enjoy what im doing. I think im addicted... I clearly would rather work out than do almost everything. I also noticed that now that I am working out I actually eat better too. I think its mostly because im aware of how long it takes to burn what I eat.....which in return makes me have some guilt. I went to the gas station the other day and gave in to buying some chocolate, as i drove and looked at the chocolate I threw it out the window. This was quite the step for me. I find that buying lean cuisine and smart ones frozen dinners works perfectly for me. They are all packed full of protein and perfect portions for me to split throughout lunch and dinner. (they also taste pretty awesome). I have found that my intake of water has gotten better too, thanks to my new found love for slushy ice water :). I have now lost 35 lbs! I feel great! Tomorrow I am going to buy new pants because none of mine currently fit me and im sure everyone is sick of seeing me in sweat pants lol.
     Other than the crazy mood swings the last few days I am doing really well. I am oh so happy I am finally able to take baths again... finally 6 weeks have passed! I can't believe how fast it went too! I can't believe its Fall... I can't believe this year is almost over. So much has happened this year. I am so grateful for the people in my life that are so patient and loving towards me. I am such a lucky girl!
    
    

Stall?

UGH. After a much dreaded stall I am happy to say I have lost 5 lbs....since wednesday! Anyway I have been eating slightly bad lately. I feel like having less stress in my life might be the reason why I am losing again. I wanna talk about protein intake. I had a doctors appointment on thursday and found out I have NOT been eating enough...mostly enough protein (probably why i stalled). I was intaking about 600-700 callories a day and around 60g of protein. Apparently im supposed to be at 800-1200 callories and 100g of protein. HOW in the world is this possible? especially in 3 meals? I have a hard time eating 150 callories per meal on my half a lean cusine meal without being completly stuffed. Please if any of you have suggestions for me, I would love to hear your ideas. Meanwhile I will be eating about 5 times a day. My biggest issue I have been dealing with recently is my water intake. It has become quite the tedious task to remember when I can and cannot drink water. I also have a hard time with anything that isnt ice cold (liquids) which makes it harder to drink as well being that its not as convenient. Ever since surgery tap water also makes me nauseous, I have issues. Total weight loss is almost 30 lbs now. I am honestly feeling so much better! The best part I think is having my headaches be mostly gone. I have only had about 4 episodes since surgery which is fantastic compared to every day. My blood sugar has also gone down a significant ammount.
    I have recently purchased a roll on vitamin E oil for my scars and in 3 days I can already tell its working. I would also love to hear any input on what to do to minimize them. They are pretty small but I feel like when I shrink they might seem bigger so I am doing what I can now. I can't believe its already been a month, The month of september has been amazing and crazy in so many ways. I cannot wait for halloween and the year end holidays. I am currently trying to convince my parents that we should spend Christmas with one of the sisters, I would not want to spend it just us 3, It would be so depressing! Sometimes I miss having everyone in my family so close. I am thinking I might be ready to start working again. Mostly because I want to save up for a Piano, even though I have no idea where I would put it. I am ready to start playing again, Its been on my mind a lot lately. six weeks post op is coming soon and working and working out might be in the near future if I continue to do this good! this saturday we had the suicide prevention walk which was fantastic. I got good exercise and got to spend the day with people I love while supporting such a great cause. During that same week Ryan was able to raise 800 dollars for the Trevor Project (also a suicide prevention funding program), I am so proud of him! It felt so good to have the energy to keep walking... Pretty soon I hope to be running! Whoever said the hungry hormones would be gone after surgery lied to me. I still totally feel hungry, usually only before eating time which is normal I guess. I wish I didnt feel so incredibly full after 5 oz, It would be nice if I still had phases... (i.e. satisfied-full-too full-stuffed-im going to blow) but no... I skip all of those and go straight to stuffed which means for a half hour after I eat im usually wanting to die a little. Its quite possible this is happening only when I eat faster than I should but I feel like a half hour is way too long for half a cup of pudding :\. My boyfriend cooked me dinner the other day and by the time he had finished his seconds I was still not even a third of the way done with my chicken... let alone touched the rest of the food, This new tummy requires a lot of patience. Poor guy, I think he thought I didn't like it... (first time I have eaten around him other than random snacks). Anyone else have a problem with patience? Anyway I have to meet with my nutritionist in 2 weeks and I am excited for new ideas and ways to improve my current situations so I will continue to update. <3 Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Just what I needed...

Carson and I headed up to his cabin for the day and we rode the fourwheelers all day long... It was just what i needed to balance myself! I am keeping this blog short... but posting some pictures. I can't believe how much energy i have from what i've lost so far... PS my pants no longer fit... at all... I need new pants stat. and on a side note, My tummy does NOT enjoy going a whole day with just yogurt... I came home from the cabin and my acid reflux is punishing me!

Normality.

My last nasty dermabond (what they used instead of stiches) finally came out of me today... or I should say I pulled it out... oops. and now im Itchy... Itchy means healing so we are good to go! Speaking of going, haha, the changes in your "ammount of bathroom visits" are quite interesting after surgery... I feel like I pee all day long.... ah! I am so happy to be back to normal, eating what I want... well ok eating a little of what i want... and im still having a hard time with the eyes bigger than mouth ordeal... until im explodingly full that is. I have decided to stop obsessing over my weight and weighin in every day... its goota be unhealthy, therefore I haven't weighed myself all week in hopes i have one big surprise at the end of the week, or who knows? I have returned to normal life and I think im going to start working again here in the next few weeks, Yes I am still employed by verizon, lord knows how that happened after all these months. I at least need to work for a few weeks to make enough money to buy myself a wardrobe... My clothes are getting bigger and soon I will have to wrap sheets around me due to lack of clothing. this is a good thing! Hardest thing for me? IBUPROFEN... i can't take it anymore and I think I was addicted to it... as retarded as it may sound it was like my daily savior from my headaches and now i cant take it. Tylenol sucks and I hope it dies. I just started taking a crap load of these green phyto-food vitamins, they make your poo neon green, TMI i know... but its kind of entertaining. these are supposed to be packed full of blue algae which apparently packs protein. I am waiting to turn into a big buff man since I am consuming something like 100g of protein daily right now... that is so much!!! maybe I need to take it down a notch... I think im becoming obsessive. Its been a really rough week for me, one of my old friends passed away from a drug overdose. Its really sad to still be watching old friends die... I feel like ive had enough! Nic passed away on monday due to a heroin overdose, RIP! The funeral is tomorrow and I hope I handle it well, I feel like maybe im already numb to all of this death stuff... To make things a little better Im going up to Carson's cabin with him and his family on saturday for a much needed get away, and some four wheeling through the really pretty fall mountains, I am really in need to get in touch with nature, its been a while! I will deffinately post some pictures when I come back down. This will be my first time eating away from home since surgery (other than my visit to dennys) so I am a little nervous.... Im sure It will be fine.  I am also back on all of my medications that i quit for surgery, such as my diamox (for my intracranial hypertension), my birth control and all of my vitamins, Its really really nice to be functioning normally again!!!! The only thing I need is to finally unpack my room and decorate, instal tv in my room (Yes i havent watched tv other than movies on netflix in over a month, this is weird for me) and being able to take baths again when my incisions fully heal... man i miss taking baths! am i weird? Anyway I will update soon with some more pictures from this weekend, until then I hope you all have a good week :)

09/10/2010

Its 3am. Ive been trying to get on a better sleep schedule but unfortunately my brain disagrees with that idea, especially when coencidently i slept WAY in today. Im watching netflix, im so glad digis finally fixed my internet so I can watch my movies again. Lets talk about surgery for a bit. I am doing fantastic. Its been almost 3 weeks now and I am almost back to normal. The glue on my incisions is slowly coming off (ok i may or may not be pushing that along..oops) and im starting to heal. I can move normal again and I can eat pretty much anything I want without being sick. I have lost 23 lbs since surgery and none of that is from this week. I was panicking for a minute because of this stall but was assured by my lovely nurse that this is normal. Apparently its my body freaking out because of all the changes... (hurry it up I want to be skinny). My biggest worry which was the mental part of this decision has been laid to rest. I am handling this emotionally exeptionally well, I amaze myself with my own strength sometimes. I do not regret surgery, have not regreted it at all and don't believe I ever will. Being able to eat anything I want at this point is where my self control has to come in. I am sticking to 3 meals a day and packing as much protein as possible, and of course now and then i will reward myself, like when I ate a quesadilla...and NO I will not feel guilty for not beating myself up over that, instead I will work it out. I have been using my treadmill quite a bit, as well as doing some strength training, im not supposed to fully work out for 6 weeks but for some weird reason I have way too much energy to burn. Last week I walked 5 miles with Katie through the Canyon and I never felt better, Katie I wish you were still here to walk with me... (My dear friend is currently now serving our country, I love you!). I have made it a point to walk at least once a day or jog/run, whatever I feel up to doing. This has helped me feel really happy lately. Protein is really hard to intake when you think of how much you have to intake, 100g is not fun when you can only eat 4oz in one sitting! Im still amazed that I can eat a pudding cup and be full, Its actually really nice, I have become quite the cheap date :). If any of you have any ideas for protein intake that does not involve shakes, please share! So now my only struggle is my almost healed pain in the butt wounds and my intake of water...i do miss chugging water, sips sometimes just doesnt cut it. Everything else is great, I even went to the sand dunes last weekend and had a great time. The changes I have been making in my life are slowly rewarding me every single day in so many different ways. Quitting all of my bad habits has set me free, I can't describe what a liberating feeling it is to know that I don't fall into a stereotype anymore. I feel healthy. I have read a lot and meditated a lot recently to find a spiritual side of me that I usually drown out because of all my chaos. Its been an intense journey. Its been a great journey. I can't wait for the rest of my life. I've never been more sure of who I am.

Overdue

First and foremost, I appologize it took me so long to do an update after the surgery... Yes i was up for it but honestly couldnt find the words in my cluttered mind to actually sit down and write anything that made sense. For those of you that would like to know, surgery went well as expected. Life after surgery is still yet to be discovered but from what I know so far this really is the life changing experience most people tried to warn me about, and yes sometimes it sucks...Usually when i get a craving for a big juicy cheeseburger and I cant have one... or solid food for that matter haha. Today I believe is day 10 since my surgery, which happened on the 23rd.  I did have some complications with my blood pressure going up during surgery and now my heart rate is permanently elevated but Im hoping this will all calm down soon.. They thought I had a leak so I actually stayed in the hospital for 3 days instead of just one which was not so pleasant...and now I am doing better than most people (according to my doctor). Within day 5 I was already at a party enjoying my night. I can't handle bed rest when I dont want to be locked away from the world so I made sure to push myself really quick to heal. I drove myself to my post op apt which is an hour away and shocked the nurse who said I should still be complaining about pain. I stopped taking my pain meds within that time as well. My biggest complaint right now is that I cant sleep on my stomach yet and my back aches more and more every day from my weird sleeping... ;( I miss having good sleep. Im having a hard time eating protein... I hate protein shakes, I hate anything liquid, I already switched to mashed foods... bad Anna. I ate squash today, for lunch and dinner and it was quite tasty, my tummy likes squash, and hates cheese soup from zupas lol (ouch). I experienced my first stomach ache yesterday when I ate soup too fast, I thought I wanted to die. All bad things aside I am happy I did it anyway, as hard as it may be, watching 23 lbs come off in one week is well worth it and as someone I dont remember once said, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Its true. I found out my soft gel vitamins are very well tolerated by my tummy which makes me happy :). Yesterday I was feeling pretty crummy after getting sick from soup, and a few people asked if i was okay since I looked yellow, Yellow? that freaked me out but apparently im back to normal today. I started taking my vitamins and will be doing anything I can do up my protein, I can start eating eggs in a few days and I am so so excited!!!! I have been dreaming of eggs and avocado for days now. My incisions are starting to heal and the one where they pulled my fat tummy out of hurts like hell still to today. The nurse said this was normal since it was the one where most of the work was done. It is getting better, but sometimes I move and it hurts just like the day after surgery.. I hope im going to get over this soon. Overall I am really happy with my life, Things seem to be going in the right direction and my goals are finally coming together. I have some amazing friends and family that have been giving me so much love and support I never imagined I could have! So there it is, my journey starts now!

Take my fat away

I should be really nervous right now... instead i have unpcked my bedroom (finally) and prepared my hospital bag with some clothes, magazines and my book. I am going to be drinking an entire bottle of crystal light soon since I wont be chugging anything anytime soon. I have taken my last pill for my headaches and I am ready for tomorrow. I am really at peace about this whole thing which freaks me out since I am a worry wart. Surgery is tomorrow at noon and I have to be at Salt lake regional hospital at ten. I would appreciate some prayers and good thoughts my way for tomorrow as well as visitors... I will be there for a few days if any of you would like to visit me there or at home just call me! I am finally getting settled at home where I plan on staying for the next six months to a year. I am then planning on getting an apartment with my niece when she moves back, I miss her so much. I am wondering what Im going to be doing for 2 weeks of sitting at home, especially since i get bored very easily. I've got books and i have netflix and of course my laptop... any other ideas? I finally got to the stage where my hunger has subsided... Don't get me wrong I still crave everything in the world (mostly bad stuff) and watching my friend eat cheese fries yesterday made me want to cut my head off! However I am not actually hungry at all, and the weakness/headaches have gotten much better as well. I have lost 9 lbs this week from the liquid diet!!! I purchased some chocolate shakes from costco, though they dont have as much protein they sure taste good, which makes it a nice little change from the strawberry shakes I have been drinking, though they are really good and have 50g of protein in a 10 oz drink, you can only have so much of the same flavor!! By the way I would really suggest this protein shake to anyone who is looking for one... Its not too chalky and it actually tastes good... If any of you are wondering its called elite, its sweetened with stevia instead of sugar and I purchased it at my local natural food store (good earth). I was advised this shake by my friend Shanda who is a professional body builder/police officer. Anyway I am off to bed, Please keep me in your thoughts on monday and I will post again as soon as I am home :)

Feed me

Im starving... so much that i keep having nightmares about never being able to eat anything ever again.... This is torture! I am anxious for surgery because being put to sleep will take away my hunger lol. Today marks 5 days since i have been on the liquid diet to prepare my liver/stomach for surgery. I am having surgery Monday August 23. I am having mixed emotions and its not helping my situation...(i eat when im stressed). I keep wondering if im doing the best thing for myself.... But I honestly think that its the hunger talking. I have been experiencing a lot of weakness followed by hunger pains and light headedness. I am most deffinately dehydraded and I can't seem to drink anymore without making myself sick. in 2 days It will be done, and I will begin my healing process. I have never been so scared in my life! Surgery is at noon, at the Salt lake regional Hospital... if any of you want to come visit I will be there for a few days! 

Be the change you want to see in the world.

I hate change. I have gone through so much of it and It has led me to numerous panic attacks. So automatically when my brain registers change coming, anxiety is the first response. I hate anxiety. I hate hating. So instead Im trying to love, Love change, Love new doors opening in my life and embracing anxiety as a natural reaction and allowing myself to just be. I read an article earlier today (much needed for my current emotional state) that talked about embracing that walk through the "valley of the shaddow of death". It talks about how going through the trials of life isnt the universe trying to plot against you, but maybe possibly trying to improve you. Look at me being optimistic. I am just going to let it be, just as is, since there is nothing I can do anyway. For those of you who do not know, I am schedule to have sleeve gastroectomy (aka gastric sleeve bypass) on Monday August 23, 2010. Yes that is in 6 days. See the picture now? I also moved home today, to live with my wonderful parents again... at 25... oh joy. Let me explain. Remember all those previous posts about weight related issues? I have been sick... and tired... and sick of being tired!! I don't want to go into details of my final decision towards this but it has come with a lot of prayer, meditaion and research. I am doing this. Today also began the very first day of my pre-op diet, so as of this morning I cannot have anything to eat, only protein shakes, sugar free jell-o and cyrstal light. (its a lot less appealing than it seems if that is even possible).
My morning today starts with my movers being completly incompetent... not only did the move take 4 hours but their moving truck also broke down on the freeway causing them to go 20 mph... I was stressed. I talked myself out of it by venting to Mallori, as well as listening to some good ol loud screaming music. (yes it helps). after getting everything moved into my room I decided to nap, and relax, only to run into a random cat in my bedroom...what? Apparently when you have a doggy door there isnt some form of animal identification procedure that keeps only your cat from coming in... aka i have a kitty party house, and according to my parents this happens so often that they just dont care anymore. What? i woke up from my nap dying of heat because my parents don't enjoy air conditioning much and had all the doors open while they attempted to clean the windows from the outside. and on top of that... they were lecturing me about life, while my mom repeated the same story about 15 times. Needless to say, welcome home. Being positive is hard when the world isn't quite on your side, however after looking at all the "bad" I came to this realization; I have the most wonderful parents in the world who paid for movers to come move me home and live rent free while i go to school and endure surgery, who are so supportive that they are eating out every day this week so i dont have to watch anyone eating, who cleaned the room so nicely for me to come back to, who let me have the master bedroom in the house because i have more privacy... and at that point, I humble myself and thank God for everything I have been given. Change is hard, but how blessed are we that we can have change? change is what evolves us into better human beings, change teaches us how to create a better world. Every time i think about surgery and how scared I am I think of all the wonderful things I dream of doing in my life that I am being held from doing because of my health issues. I dream of being a mom, and how I can't do so with my weight problems.. I think of how much I want to change the world around me no matter how many times my dreams get shut down. I want to keep up with my mind... and not give in because I don't "feel good". I hope these changes I am embracing continue to inspire me to be a better and more grateful person. I will finish this post with this, "Strength consists in the power of self discovery" -Me. The day you find out who you are and what your purpose in life is, is the day you find strength to conquer the changes needed to do so.

New chapter....

Its four in the morning... I should be sleeping right now, I have to take Ryan to the airport at 10 and Sleeping seems further away than ever. Ryan is leaving to Arizona in the morning and wont be back until after I finish moving all of my things. I am moving home next week and while this is going to potentially be good for me I can't seem to shake off just how hard it actually is. I need to take a deep breath and understand that this is good for my parents, good for my mothers health and  good for my educational plans. I have grown spiritually more within this past year than I ever imagined possible... which is coming with the understanding that sometimes you must make choices that may seem hard to later reap the happiness it can potentially bring. I feel as if it is of great importance to be near my parents at this time, as well as allowing myself to continue to heal. Ryan has been an angel in my life. I am grateful for every minute of his friendship and will miss great memories we share in this house. The pages are now turning and I hope I can get comfort in knowing that I made the right decision and continue to do so. I just started reading a book that so far within 20 pages has already changed my life. This book is called Women, food and God. While not so much a religious book as the tittle sounds, this book is quite spiritual and brutally honest (two things I desperately crave in my life right now). I would highly reccomend this book to anyone I know... even if they dont have issues with "food" like I do. Changes are in the Air... It smells beautiful.

The best Me yet

Have you ever wondered why you are the way that you are? Why you have certain habits and addictions? Have you ever wondered if you were raised right, or if maybe you could have turned out different? I wonder that all the time. Don’t get me wrong, when I compare my life with almost everyone I know it looks like fields of daisies… I really did have everything. Or did I? I was thinking about this today, about why I eat, why I was once addicted to drugs and alcohol and why I am a people pleaser.


Ever since I can remember being alive I have been a people pleaser. It was never because im too nice, or because I wanted to make everyone happy… as hard as this is for me to admit it was because of my own selfish reasons for wanting 100% of the attention directed to me. I went out of my way all of my life to make everyone look at me. I have no idea where this all came from. Im going to assume that being the baby and having such high expectations might have helped, along with a million changes I have gone through. I remember crying when I was younger because I was forced to move here where I knew nothing about the culture and everyone hated me. I had to leave my best friends… my house.. My family and everything I had ever known. I didn’t understand the greater purpose. I believe I was quite happy about it at first, thinking the american dream would be just as it sounds.. A dream. But when you are 11 and suddenly completely alone things definitely take a turn. My mom thinks that most of my problems now come from that… she tells me it was quite traumatic for me. I honestly don’t remember much of it at all, and I guess our minds usually try to block out such types of experiences. I was never good at what was important to me at the time. Today while some of those traits still stick with me, I am a much more independent person. As I mature I have the pleasure of watching myself grow more and more into my own individual and need less of that attention I so much craved before. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a long way to go still, but understanding my short comings has helped me miraculously to heal and to move on from my past. My newest discovery within my mind is that I have been my own worst enemy. As most of us are to ourselves. I constantly bash, compare and critisize myself. The grass really isn’t greaner on the other side and no matter who you are we always want to be better, be skinnier, prettier and richer. This will never change. The greatest thing is to discover reasons to love yourself. No one in this world knows me the way that I do. While this could be a bad thing because of my short comings, this is also amazing because I know better than anyone else why it is that I am an amazing person. I don’t need to tell anyone why, I simply need to recognize these things for myself and understand that I will be who I am for the rest of eternity, therefore I must love who I am and be grateful because I have many blessings and I deserve this love. The easiest way to do this is by imagining yourself as another person and asking yourself if you could love them. I found that I am just as deserving of my love as everyone else in my life that I love. I am blessed to say that I have an incredible amount of love in my life. Friends and family who mean the universe to me. What an amazing blessing that is! Its amazing how clear the image in the mirror becomes when you open your eyes. I will always have my moments of failure… but I am realizing now that this is just part of the big picture, I am here to improve, every single day, and Just as I conquered my addictions with drugs, alcohol and smoking, I will also conquer my addictions with food, self pitty and everything else that keeps me from being the best for myself. I don’t want to be perfect… I don’t want to conform to what other people want out of me and I most definitely don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be the best I can be for myself.

So recently I have had almost every blood test imaginable... and I mean really...They drew something like 15 vials of blood, so much that the phlebotomist had no freaking clue what some of the tests were. (props to my Neuro for shocking the nurses). Everything came back decently normal, my cholesterol was slightly high which isnt surprising considering that i have been eating like crap, but what is worrying me is my stupid vitamin D. I had another blood test done in the begining of june and sure enough they called me and told me to start on a supplement. and I did.. the very one in the picture, however 2000 IUs instead of 1000. I have been religiously taking this for almost 2 months now, along with vitamin E for my crappy skin. I just got a call from my nurse today saying my Vitamin D is ridiculously low and I need supplements... DUHH.. I honestly do not know where to go from here, I dont really feel like overdosing in vitamin D. here goes my research I guess. Also while I am here, Id like to talk about my latest awesome discovery, if any of you have issues with your daily vitamin like i did because it tastes like crap and is huge, I have just discovered the only liquid gel multi vitamins that are derived from plants (instead of the synthetic crap from walmart). They are called living green liquid gel multi, and can be purchased from Good earth for roughtly 17 bucks. I will rant on this vitamin for a few reasons... One, I have been on it for a week and can already tell a huge difference in the way I feel... Two it has fish oil in it (that never happens with a multi) as well as ginseng wich gives me awesome energy. This pill also has green tea and something like 45 fruits and veggies per serving! Its still kind of a bigger liquid sof gel but no taste and it goes down super easy, not to mention gels are easier to absorb in your stomach and have no fillers.... Anyway, This week has been amazing, I cant wait to spend the day with Mallori tomorrow for some much needed best friend time. I have some really big things happening in the near future including my big move home on the 18th, I will post more as i get time! and I promise my posts will start to get much more interesting than my struggle with vitamin D intake lol.

Intro

My name is Anna, Im 25 years old. Just to get a general idea about me if you don’t know who I am, I was born and raised in Rio de Janeiro Brazil, where I lived for 11 years before immigrating to Utah with my very religious, righteous family. I am the youngest of 6 amazing women and was raised by two of the most wonderful parents I could have possibly ever asked for. After moving here I sort of lost the brazilian in me, as if it never were… most of my family has now gone back to Brazil but this is now what I call home. Im currently a student, just graduated with my associates in Medical Sciences and am now persuing my bachelors in Toxicology (im gonna study drugs…haha who would have thought?) , this will eventually lead me into med school… and eventually into Cardiology, which is my long term goal. I have never been anything like my family and for a lot of people it is hard to take in (by a lot of people I mean mostly my family). The youngest of 6, I had a very high bar set for me at a very young age. All my sisters were righteous, extremely religious and very family oriented. As for me.. Haha. At a young age I chose the party life for myself…as years went I chose friends over family, and bars over church. This was my own personal choice and never influenced by others, though being a people pleaser dragged me to things a little more extreme than I would have personally chosen for myself. This led me to a lot of anguish due to the fact that the people I loved most didn’t know me at all, and what they did know, wasn‘t the real me. I have struggled and probably always will with the whole religious thing… That was the past, this is now, I don’t go to bars anymore, but I still don’t go to church…I chose both family and Friends and having a balanced life has been good to me, I love God and have my own personal ideas of spiritualism, and understand I will never please everyone, so instead I focus on ME.


Everyone has their own idea of who I “trully” am and who they want me to be. Mostly the people that have been the closest to me, and love me most. Its interesting being on my side of things and seeing how many different “ideal Anna’s” people can come up with. What they trully don’t know is that I already am 100% who I need to be, on my way to who I will continue to be just with much more knowledge! This brings me peace, and while I think I will always have doubts about their ideas of happiness fitting into my life, deep down inside I already know where my heart is… and Its happy to be there.

I am a thinker. I have a whole lot of thoughts I couldn’t dream of putting into words. While the world around me is moving I am staring blankly into a fast paced life and I think so much that I forget to live. As much as I have tried to stop this pesky habbit it seems it isn’t really going anywhere so instead I learn to embrace it and just deal. A daydreamer since I can remember breathing I always imagine things happening that are completely absurd… if someone was in my head for 3 seconds they would probably admit me. And maybe everyone is like that to a point., Either way its not being put into words.

Because of all this thinking plus a guilty conscience provided by my mother, I have never had kids, gone sky diving, gotten married, or done anything remotely stupid… which aren’t all necessarily things ive wanted to do, but you get the point. Ive always been safe… even when I was stupid. Thanks mom! Instead I turned to food.

Most people struggle with weight at some point in their lives . Ever since I was little food was used to celebrate, weather it was family time or parties… food food food. While my mother certainly did think she was feeding us a healthy diet, I proceeded to tell her that lasagna, rice and potato salad was not a balanced Sunday meal… 3 carbs? The entire plate is beige… anyway so this is how I was raised… carbs,carbs,carbs. All my life has been up and down weight wise. When I was little I was too skinny, shortly after puberty hit and we purchased our first microwave (yes we were old school) the weight started piling on. Much of my early teen years were hell, I was chunky, and dorky, and not really cool at all. Its funny how important that is when you are younger, I took a downhill slope into depression which eventually became normal. It was during that time I also met my soul mate, just as awkward but slightly cooler than me, she became my best friend. If you ever want to meet someone who knows me better than myself, she would be the one, and If it weren’t for her I have no idea where I would have ended up today.

Times got better and times got worse, as part of life you have your ups and downs and that seems to be the exitement of a mundane existence. Here I am today, starting my first blog. To be honest I always made fun of people with blogs. While im the girl that

updates her face book status way too many times throughout the day I felt like a blog was like a personal diary you wanted people to read to show off whatever was going on in your life (wait.. isn’t that what I was doing on facebook?).. And I guess it is… and I guess I am doing it now so go me, I have conformed.

The real purpose of this is more so for the changes im about to occur in my life. For the steps im taking to become a better person. Maturity, spirituality and of course my steps to a healthier me. it’s a therapeutic form of release for me (my psychologist thinks I need to let it out more…) and some form of update for the people in my life who care to know what is going on. Either way, Enjoy…