Rambling :)

Life has been a big bag of discoveries lately. Though sometimes I find my trials to be hard and quite stressfull they somehow teach me something valuable and in the end it all works itself out. I find that this seems to be the case everyone, and the real lesson in life is learning to be patient enough to see the ending results. I just wish I could remember this every time! I heard something the other day that stuck in my head, Pardon my misquoting, but it was something along the lines of  If you think you can do it, or you think you can't do it, You are right. Think about it for a minute. We all fail, we all cry about it...we all give up. We all win, we all enjoy praise (weather we admit it or not) and we all rejoice. This is of course speaking in a generalized form, and I only make this "exception" for the people in denial about their emotions....ugh (if this made no sense, it's most likely not you). Some or maybe all of you may be wondering the purpose of everything I just said, weather you found it inspiring or just kind of threw it aside, I wanted to share my personal insight. I keep talking about how much I have grown..blah blah etc.. Yet I constantly fail in proving myself so. I figured out that there is absolutely no purpose in proving yourself of anyone else that you have "grown" or whatever. Once you come to terms with the fact that we are all a little crazy, emotional, mature, childish, selfish, idiotic, happy, senseless, caring..etc You might reach the point where you are OK with it. even if sometimes you aren't. ---Since I have been losing weight a lot of things have been changing in my life and most of them I never saw coming. I have made some awful decisions, some great ones... and I've actually been okay with it all. I don't really care to go into further details. Id like to talk about some of those changes. first of all HOLY EMOTIONAL BATMAN..... I swear I am the poster child for bipolar/PMS. Being that I am fully aware of this I have actually gained quite a bit of control over it all and I am OK. I was told that my hormones would be affected, I was not told I would become permamently Pms lol. OH... and noone told me that I would be freezing all the time.. thanks. I have experienced quite a bit of emotional events anyway, this was the icing on the cake. I started getting close to the one man I loved enough to die for (way cliche I know..) then I have a life changing surgery and  not even 2 days after getting out of the hospital from surgery I met the man who might have possibly changed my life forever, yet because of my past that I cannot let go of I struggle a lot to make this work. I learned that my biggest struggle is that I don't feel like I deserve to have someone trully love me that much. Tell me over and over again I am being stupid and my subconscious will NOT listen. However, being aware I am slowly becoming. All I want to do is blame the one person in my past who I found responsible for all my failures in love. Its so easy to blame him. I have done it for years. I recently came to the conclusion that while I did deserve to be treated much better...(I know this now) he was absolutely at no fault for my personal failures with love. Its much bigger than that. I settle. And I fight for what I settle for. I could go on and on about my reasonings... my fears...blah blah who cares? Being aware of it is all that matters and it is like a HUGE freaking weight off my shoulders. I don't need to blurt out details but even though I broke up with Carson last week, we have still very much been seeing each other, This needed to happen because I want things to move slow, and in the three months we have been together slowing down was much needed. It is VERY different to be in a serious relationship with a full time father of a 6 year old, even if he is cute as heck. I don't know if Carson is the "one" and right now it's okay to just be with someone who genuinely cares about me so much. Im doing things very different with him and so far it worked.
So now that this is all off my chest (thank you for reading oh so patiently through my rambling) lets talk about my HEALTH.. my weight loss... all that fun jazz non emotionally related :).. in 9 days It will be 3 months since surgery! I cannot believe how fast time passes. I have officially lost 50 lbs (its been a few days since I've checked actually) and I feel incredible. First off I am losing all of this while eating which is grand, second of all nothing tastes better than healthy feels. I have become a string cheese queen... I eat it every day 3 times a day between meals to help my protein intake. I honestly don't pay that much attention to what I eat though, and I started working out again since my gallbladder removal a month ago. My weight loss is slightly on the slower side of things because I don't have that much to lose. People's reactions are by far my favorite... as we all know I like attention, and im getting it. Weirdly enough I have actually become a lot more conservative. I just recently got a very seasonal part time job to pass the time until school starts again in January, Im working at Victoria's secret. The pay really sucks, but honestly is such a nice breath of fresh air from a serious job, and im not really doing it for the money. Overall, life is falling into place... somedays I want to shut off the world, others I embrace it. I am taking this all one step at a time. Thank you all for reading my blog, It is a huge release for me to let it all out into words. <3 I hope everyone has a happy thanksgiving!