Have you ever wondered why you are the way that you are? Why you have certain habits and addictions? Have you ever wondered if you were raised right, or if maybe you could have turned out different? I wonder that all the time. Don’t get me wrong, when I compare my life with almost everyone I know it looks like fields of daisies… I really did have everything. Or did I? I was thinking about this today, about why I eat, why I was once addicted to drugs and alcohol and why I am a people pleaser.
Ever since I can remember being alive I have been a people pleaser. It was never because im too nice, or because I wanted to make everyone happy… as hard as this is for me to admit it was because of my own selfish reasons for wanting 100% of the attention directed to me. I went out of my way all of my life to make everyone look at me. I have no idea where this all came from. Im going to assume that being the baby and having such high expectations might have helped, along with a million changes I have gone through. I remember crying when I was younger because I was forced to move here where I knew nothing about the culture and everyone hated me. I had to leave my best friends… my house.. My family and everything I had ever known. I didn’t understand the greater purpose. I believe I was quite happy about it at first, thinking the american dream would be just as it sounds.. A dream. But when you are 11 and suddenly completely alone things definitely take a turn. My mom thinks that most of my problems now come from that… she tells me it was quite traumatic for me. I honestly don’t remember much of it at all, and I guess our minds usually try to block out such types of experiences. I was never good at what was important to me at the time. Today while some of those traits still stick with me, I am a much more independent person. As I mature I have the pleasure of watching myself grow more and more into my own individual and need less of that attention I so much craved before. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a long way to go still, but understanding my short comings has helped me miraculously to heal and to move on from my past. My newest discovery within my mind is that I have been my own worst enemy. As most of us are to ourselves. I constantly bash, compare and critisize myself. The grass really isn’t greaner on the other side and no matter who you are we always want to be better, be skinnier, prettier and richer. This will never change. The greatest thing is to discover reasons to love yourself. No one in this world knows me the way that I do. While this could be a bad thing because of my short comings, this is also amazing because I know better than anyone else why it is that I am an amazing person. I don’t need to tell anyone why, I simply need to recognize these things for myself and understand that I will be who I am for the rest of eternity, therefore I must love who I am and be grateful because I have many blessings and I deserve this love. The easiest way to do this is by imagining yourself as another person and asking yourself if you could love them. I found that I am just as deserving of my love as everyone else in my life that I love. I am blessed to say that I have an incredible amount of love in my life. Friends and family who mean the universe to me. What an amazing blessing that is! Its amazing how clear the image in the mirror becomes when you open your eyes. I will always have my moments of failure… but I am realizing now that this is just part of the big picture, I am here to improve, every single day, and Just as I conquered my addictions with drugs, alcohol and smoking, I will also conquer my addictions with food, self pitty and everything else that keeps me from being the best for myself. I don’t want to be perfect… I don’t want to conform to what other people want out of me and I most definitely don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be the best I can be for myself.
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