I hate change. I have gone through so much of it and It has led me to numerous panic attacks. So automatically when my brain registers change coming, anxiety is the first response. I hate anxiety. I hate hating. So instead Im trying to love, Love change, Love new doors opening in my life and embracing anxiety as a natural reaction and allowing myself to just be. I read an article earlier today (much needed for my current emotional state) that talked about embracing that walk through the "valley of the shaddow of death". It talks about how going through the trials of life isnt the universe trying to plot against you, but maybe possibly trying to improve you. Look at me being optimistic. I am just going to let it be, just as is, since there is nothing I can do anyway. For those of you who do not know, I am schedule to have sleeve gastroectomy (aka gastric sleeve bypass) on Monday August 23, 2010. Yes that is in 6 days. See the picture now? I also moved home today, to live with my wonderful parents again... at 25... oh joy. Let me explain. Remember all those previous posts about weight related issues? I have been sick... and tired... and sick of being tired!! I don't want to go into details of my final decision towards this but it has come with a lot of prayer, meditaion and research. I am doing this. Today also began the very first day of my pre-op diet, so as of this morning I cannot have anything to eat, only protein shakes, sugar free jell-o and cyrstal light. (its a lot less appealing than it seems if that is even possible).
My morning today starts with my movers being completly incompetent... not only did the move take 4 hours but their moving truck also broke down on the freeway causing them to go 20 mph... I was stressed. I talked myself out of it by venting to Mallori, as well as listening to some good ol loud screaming music. (yes it helps). after getting everything moved into my room I decided to nap, and relax, only to run into a random cat in my bedroom...what? Apparently when you have a doggy door there isnt some form of animal identification procedure that keeps only your cat from coming in... aka i have a kitty party house, and according to my parents this happens so often that they just dont care anymore. What? i woke up from my nap dying of heat because my parents don't enjoy air conditioning much and had all the doors open while they attempted to clean the windows from the outside. and on top of that... they were lecturing me about life, while my mom repeated the same story about 15 times. Needless to say, welcome home. Being positive is hard when the world isn't quite on your side, however after looking at all the "bad" I came to this realization; I have the most wonderful parents in the world who paid for movers to come move me home and live rent free while i go to school and endure surgery, who are so supportive that they are eating out every day this week so i dont have to watch anyone eating, who cleaned the room so nicely for me to come back to, who let me have the master bedroom in the house because i have more privacy... and at that point, I humble myself and thank God for everything I have been given. Change is hard, but how blessed are we that we can have change? change is what evolves us into better human beings, change teaches us how to create a better world. Every time i think about surgery and how scared I am I think of all the wonderful things I dream of doing in my life that I am being held from doing because of my health issues. I dream of being a mom, and how I can't do so with my weight problems.. I think of how much I want to change the world around me no matter how many times my dreams get shut down. I want to keep up with my mind... and not give in because I don't "feel good". I hope these changes I am embracing continue to inspire me to be a better and more grateful person. I will finish this post with this, "Strength consists in the power of self discovery" -Me. The day you find out who you are and what your purpose in life is, is the day you find strength to conquer the changes needed to do so.
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