Take my fat away

I should be really nervous right now... instead i have unpcked my bedroom (finally) and prepared my hospital bag with some clothes, magazines and my book. I am going to be drinking an entire bottle of crystal light soon since I wont be chugging anything anytime soon. I have taken my last pill for my headaches and I am ready for tomorrow. I am really at peace about this whole thing which freaks me out since I am a worry wart. Surgery is tomorrow at noon and I have to be at Salt lake regional hospital at ten. I would appreciate some prayers and good thoughts my way for tomorrow as well as visitors... I will be there for a few days if any of you would like to visit me there or at home just call me! I am finally getting settled at home where I plan on staying for the next six months to a year. I am then planning on getting an apartment with my niece when she moves back, I miss her so much. I am wondering what Im going to be doing for 2 weeks of sitting at home, especially since i get bored very easily. I've got books and i have netflix and of course my laptop... any other ideas? I finally got to the stage where my hunger has subsided... Don't get me wrong I still crave everything in the world (mostly bad stuff) and watching my friend eat cheese fries yesterday made me want to cut my head off! However I am not actually hungry at all, and the weakness/headaches have gotten much better as well. I have lost 9 lbs this week from the liquid diet!!! I purchased some chocolate shakes from costco, though they dont have as much protein they sure taste good, which makes it a nice little change from the strawberry shakes I have been drinking, though they are really good and have 50g of protein in a 10 oz drink, you can only have so much of the same flavor!! By the way I would really suggest this protein shake to anyone who is looking for one... Its not too chalky and it actually tastes good... If any of you are wondering its called elite, its sweetened with stevia instead of sugar and I purchased it at my local natural food store (good earth). I was advised this shake by my friend Shanda who is a professional body builder/police officer. Anyway I am off to bed, Please keep me in your thoughts on monday and I will post again as soon as I am home :)

Feed me

Im starving... so much that i keep having nightmares about never being able to eat anything ever again.... This is torture! I am anxious for surgery because being put to sleep will take away my hunger lol. Today marks 5 days since i have been on the liquid diet to prepare my liver/stomach for surgery. I am having surgery Monday August 23. I am having mixed emotions and its not helping my situation...(i eat when im stressed). I keep wondering if im doing the best thing for myself.... But I honestly think that its the hunger talking. I have been experiencing a lot of weakness followed by hunger pains and light headedness. I am most deffinately dehydraded and I can't seem to drink anymore without making myself sick. in 2 days It will be done, and I will begin my healing process. I have never been so scared in my life! Surgery is at noon, at the Salt lake regional Hospital... if any of you want to come visit I will be there for a few days! 

Be the change you want to see in the world.

I hate change. I have gone through so much of it and It has led me to numerous panic attacks. So automatically when my brain registers change coming, anxiety is the first response. I hate anxiety. I hate hating. So instead Im trying to love, Love change, Love new doors opening in my life and embracing anxiety as a natural reaction and allowing myself to just be. I read an article earlier today (much needed for my current emotional state) that talked about embracing that walk through the "valley of the shaddow of death". It talks about how going through the trials of life isnt the universe trying to plot against you, but maybe possibly trying to improve you. Look at me being optimistic. I am just going to let it be, just as is, since there is nothing I can do anyway. For those of you who do not know, I am schedule to have sleeve gastroectomy (aka gastric sleeve bypass) on Monday August 23, 2010. Yes that is in 6 days. See the picture now? I also moved home today, to live with my wonderful parents again... at 25... oh joy. Let me explain. Remember all those previous posts about weight related issues? I have been sick... and tired... and sick of being tired!! I don't want to go into details of my final decision towards this but it has come with a lot of prayer, meditaion and research. I am doing this. Today also began the very first day of my pre-op diet, so as of this morning I cannot have anything to eat, only protein shakes, sugar free jell-o and cyrstal light. (its a lot less appealing than it seems if that is even possible).
My morning today starts with my movers being completly incompetent... not only did the move take 4 hours but their moving truck also broke down on the freeway causing them to go 20 mph... I was stressed. I talked myself out of it by venting to Mallori, as well as listening to some good ol loud screaming music. (yes it helps). after getting everything moved into my room I decided to nap, and relax, only to run into a random cat in my bedroom...what? Apparently when you have a doggy door there isnt some form of animal identification procedure that keeps only your cat from coming in... aka i have a kitty party house, and according to my parents this happens so often that they just dont care anymore. What? i woke up from my nap dying of heat because my parents don't enjoy air conditioning much and had all the doors open while they attempted to clean the windows from the outside. and on top of that... they were lecturing me about life, while my mom repeated the same story about 15 times. Needless to say, welcome home. Being positive is hard when the world isn't quite on your side, however after looking at all the "bad" I came to this realization; I have the most wonderful parents in the world who paid for movers to come move me home and live rent free while i go to school and endure surgery, who are so supportive that they are eating out every day this week so i dont have to watch anyone eating, who cleaned the room so nicely for me to come back to, who let me have the master bedroom in the house because i have more privacy... and at that point, I humble myself and thank God for everything I have been given. Change is hard, but how blessed are we that we can have change? change is what evolves us into better human beings, change teaches us how to create a better world. Every time i think about surgery and how scared I am I think of all the wonderful things I dream of doing in my life that I am being held from doing because of my health issues. I dream of being a mom, and how I can't do so with my weight problems.. I think of how much I want to change the world around me no matter how many times my dreams get shut down. I want to keep up with my mind... and not give in because I don't "feel good". I hope these changes I am embracing continue to inspire me to be a better and more grateful person. I will finish this post with this, "Strength consists in the power of self discovery" -Me. The day you find out who you are and what your purpose in life is, is the day you find strength to conquer the changes needed to do so.

New chapter....

Its four in the morning... I should be sleeping right now, I have to take Ryan to the airport at 10 and Sleeping seems further away than ever. Ryan is leaving to Arizona in the morning and wont be back until after I finish moving all of my things. I am moving home next week and while this is going to potentially be good for me I can't seem to shake off just how hard it actually is. I need to take a deep breath and understand that this is good for my parents, good for my mothers health and  good for my educational plans. I have grown spiritually more within this past year than I ever imagined possible... which is coming with the understanding that sometimes you must make choices that may seem hard to later reap the happiness it can potentially bring. I feel as if it is of great importance to be near my parents at this time, as well as allowing myself to continue to heal. Ryan has been an angel in my life. I am grateful for every minute of his friendship and will miss great memories we share in this house. The pages are now turning and I hope I can get comfort in knowing that I made the right decision and continue to do so. I just started reading a book that so far within 20 pages has already changed my life. This book is called Women, food and God. While not so much a religious book as the tittle sounds, this book is quite spiritual and brutally honest (two things I desperately crave in my life right now). I would highly reccomend this book to anyone I know... even if they dont have issues with "food" like I do. Changes are in the Air... It smells beautiful.

The best Me yet

Have you ever wondered why you are the way that you are? Why you have certain habits and addictions? Have you ever wondered if you were raised right, or if maybe you could have turned out different? I wonder that all the time. Don’t get me wrong, when I compare my life with almost everyone I know it looks like fields of daisies… I really did have everything. Or did I? I was thinking about this today, about why I eat, why I was once addicted to drugs and alcohol and why I am a people pleaser.


Ever since I can remember being alive I have been a people pleaser. It was never because im too nice, or because I wanted to make everyone happy… as hard as this is for me to admit it was because of my own selfish reasons for wanting 100% of the attention directed to me. I went out of my way all of my life to make everyone look at me. I have no idea where this all came from. Im going to assume that being the baby and having such high expectations might have helped, along with a million changes I have gone through. I remember crying when I was younger because I was forced to move here where I knew nothing about the culture and everyone hated me. I had to leave my best friends… my house.. My family and everything I had ever known. I didn’t understand the greater purpose. I believe I was quite happy about it at first, thinking the american dream would be just as it sounds.. A dream. But when you are 11 and suddenly completely alone things definitely take a turn. My mom thinks that most of my problems now come from that… she tells me it was quite traumatic for me. I honestly don’t remember much of it at all, and I guess our minds usually try to block out such types of experiences. I was never good at what was important to me at the time. Today while some of those traits still stick with me, I am a much more independent person. As I mature I have the pleasure of watching myself grow more and more into my own individual and need less of that attention I so much craved before. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a long way to go still, but understanding my short comings has helped me miraculously to heal and to move on from my past. My newest discovery within my mind is that I have been my own worst enemy. As most of us are to ourselves. I constantly bash, compare and critisize myself. The grass really isn’t greaner on the other side and no matter who you are we always want to be better, be skinnier, prettier and richer. This will never change. The greatest thing is to discover reasons to love yourself. No one in this world knows me the way that I do. While this could be a bad thing because of my short comings, this is also amazing because I know better than anyone else why it is that I am an amazing person. I don’t need to tell anyone why, I simply need to recognize these things for myself and understand that I will be who I am for the rest of eternity, therefore I must love who I am and be grateful because I have many blessings and I deserve this love. The easiest way to do this is by imagining yourself as another person and asking yourself if you could love them. I found that I am just as deserving of my love as everyone else in my life that I love. I am blessed to say that I have an incredible amount of love in my life. Friends and family who mean the universe to me. What an amazing blessing that is! Its amazing how clear the image in the mirror becomes when you open your eyes. I will always have my moments of failure… but I am realizing now that this is just part of the big picture, I am here to improve, every single day, and Just as I conquered my addictions with drugs, alcohol and smoking, I will also conquer my addictions with food, self pitty and everything else that keeps me from being the best for myself. I don’t want to be perfect… I don’t want to conform to what other people want out of me and I most definitely don’t want to be anyone else. I want to be the best I can be for myself.

So recently I have had almost every blood test imaginable... and I mean really...They drew something like 15 vials of blood, so much that the phlebotomist had no freaking clue what some of the tests were. (props to my Neuro for shocking the nurses). Everything came back decently normal, my cholesterol was slightly high which isnt surprising considering that i have been eating like crap, but what is worrying me is my stupid vitamin D. I had another blood test done in the begining of june and sure enough they called me and told me to start on a supplement. and I did.. the very one in the picture, however 2000 IUs instead of 1000. I have been religiously taking this for almost 2 months now, along with vitamin E for my crappy skin. I just got a call from my nurse today saying my Vitamin D is ridiculously low and I need supplements... DUHH.. I honestly do not know where to go from here, I dont really feel like overdosing in vitamin D. here goes my research I guess. Also while I am here, Id like to talk about my latest awesome discovery, if any of you have issues with your daily vitamin like i did because it tastes like crap and is huge, I have just discovered the only liquid gel multi vitamins that are derived from plants (instead of the synthetic crap from walmart). They are called living green liquid gel multi, and can be purchased from Good earth for roughtly 17 bucks. I will rant on this vitamin for a few reasons... One, I have been on it for a week and can already tell a huge difference in the way I feel... Two it has fish oil in it (that never happens with a multi) as well as ginseng wich gives me awesome energy. This pill also has green tea and something like 45 fruits and veggies per serving! Its still kind of a bigger liquid sof gel but no taste and it goes down super easy, not to mention gels are easier to absorb in your stomach and have no fillers.... Anyway, This week has been amazing, I cant wait to spend the day with Mallori tomorrow for some much needed best friend time. I have some really big things happening in the near future including my big move home on the 18th, I will post more as i get time! and I promise my posts will start to get much more interesting than my struggle with vitamin D intake lol.

Intro

My name is Anna, Im 25 years old. Just to get a general idea about me if you don’t know who I am, I was born and raised in Rio de Janeiro Brazil, where I lived for 11 years before immigrating to Utah with my very religious, righteous family. I am the youngest of 6 amazing women and was raised by two of the most wonderful parents I could have possibly ever asked for. After moving here I sort of lost the brazilian in me, as if it never were… most of my family has now gone back to Brazil but this is now what I call home. Im currently a student, just graduated with my associates in Medical Sciences and am now persuing my bachelors in Toxicology (im gonna study drugs…haha who would have thought?) , this will eventually lead me into med school… and eventually into Cardiology, which is my long term goal. I have never been anything like my family and for a lot of people it is hard to take in (by a lot of people I mean mostly my family). The youngest of 6, I had a very high bar set for me at a very young age. All my sisters were righteous, extremely religious and very family oriented. As for me.. Haha. At a young age I chose the party life for myself…as years went I chose friends over family, and bars over church. This was my own personal choice and never influenced by others, though being a people pleaser dragged me to things a little more extreme than I would have personally chosen for myself. This led me to a lot of anguish due to the fact that the people I loved most didn’t know me at all, and what they did know, wasn‘t the real me. I have struggled and probably always will with the whole religious thing… That was the past, this is now, I don’t go to bars anymore, but I still don’t go to church…I chose both family and Friends and having a balanced life has been good to me, I love God and have my own personal ideas of spiritualism, and understand I will never please everyone, so instead I focus on ME.


Everyone has their own idea of who I “trully” am and who they want me to be. Mostly the people that have been the closest to me, and love me most. Its interesting being on my side of things and seeing how many different “ideal Anna’s” people can come up with. What they trully don’t know is that I already am 100% who I need to be, on my way to who I will continue to be just with much more knowledge! This brings me peace, and while I think I will always have doubts about their ideas of happiness fitting into my life, deep down inside I already know where my heart is… and Its happy to be there.

I am a thinker. I have a whole lot of thoughts I couldn’t dream of putting into words. While the world around me is moving I am staring blankly into a fast paced life and I think so much that I forget to live. As much as I have tried to stop this pesky habbit it seems it isn’t really going anywhere so instead I learn to embrace it and just deal. A daydreamer since I can remember breathing I always imagine things happening that are completely absurd… if someone was in my head for 3 seconds they would probably admit me. And maybe everyone is like that to a point., Either way its not being put into words.

Because of all this thinking plus a guilty conscience provided by my mother, I have never had kids, gone sky diving, gotten married, or done anything remotely stupid… which aren’t all necessarily things ive wanted to do, but you get the point. Ive always been safe… even when I was stupid. Thanks mom! Instead I turned to food.

Most people struggle with weight at some point in their lives . Ever since I was little food was used to celebrate, weather it was family time or parties… food food food. While my mother certainly did think she was feeding us a healthy diet, I proceeded to tell her that lasagna, rice and potato salad was not a balanced Sunday meal… 3 carbs? The entire plate is beige… anyway so this is how I was raised… carbs,carbs,carbs. All my life has been up and down weight wise. When I was little I was too skinny, shortly after puberty hit and we purchased our first microwave (yes we were old school) the weight started piling on. Much of my early teen years were hell, I was chunky, and dorky, and not really cool at all. Its funny how important that is when you are younger, I took a downhill slope into depression which eventually became normal. It was during that time I also met my soul mate, just as awkward but slightly cooler than me, she became my best friend. If you ever want to meet someone who knows me better than myself, she would be the one, and If it weren’t for her I have no idea where I would have ended up today.

Times got better and times got worse, as part of life you have your ups and downs and that seems to be the exitement of a mundane existence. Here I am today, starting my first blog. To be honest I always made fun of people with blogs. While im the girl that

updates her face book status way too many times throughout the day I felt like a blog was like a personal diary you wanted people to read to show off whatever was going on in your life (wait.. isn’t that what I was doing on facebook?).. And I guess it is… and I guess I am doing it now so go me, I have conformed.

The real purpose of this is more so for the changes im about to occur in my life. For the steps im taking to become a better person. Maturity, spirituality and of course my steps to a healthier me. it’s a therapeutic form of release for me (my psychologist thinks I need to let it out more…) and some form of update for the people in my life who care to know what is going on. Either way, Enjoy…