43 and healing

3 weeks since my last surgery. (gallbladder removal) Im finally able to say I feel like this is trully the road to recovery... physically and emotionally. Its been a rough few months and im ready to put it past me... Im ready to leave it where it belongs and enjoy my life. I haven't beein doing much of that lately!

After fighting a rough infection the past few weeks, being on bedrest and filling up on pain meds and antibiotics I can honestly say I would like to stay as far away from anything medical as I can right now, and I cannot wait until I can get back to the gym! This whole journey has been emotionally drainning, and at times i honestly thought I was crazy, I tried to push everyone away, i had crying spells... I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me for a whole week, and i sure couldnt explain it either, until i realized that it was stress, mixed with my very sensitive to medicine body being full of very strong pain killers, which have a history of emotionally attacking me. Thankfully I have an amazing support system, great understanding friends, an incredibly patient boyfriend and very supportive parents, who got me through all of this and never once questioned or judged me. Thank you :) Finally after realizing all of this I requested to switch medications and I felt the difference within 24 hours. I hate drugs! 3 weeks later I am feeling like a new woman. My infection is finally gone and I seem to be getting back to my healthy self. I was finally let off bed rest and I am now working on just taking really good care of myself and my health. On the good side of things, as of yesterday I have now lost 43 pounds! I have also lost 8 inches from my waist, 4 inches from thighs, 2 from each arm and 7 from my butt! I never thought I would lose that much weight without starving myself. I realize that I have been through hell and back and that of course did help with the weight loss but I am happy to know that those pounds are gone forever along with my high blood pressure, my high blood sugar, my intracranial hypertension and knee pain. GONE. It feels so good. Aside from everything negative I am trully happy right now. The changes going on within me right now are more than i ever imagined would happen in such a short time but I am so grateful. Im going to continue to fight against the emotions that sometimes try to overtake me due to all the physical changes i have going on, and I will continue to fight for my happiness, even if sometimes life gets rough, which i expect it will ;). I am grateful I have people in my life who are willing to stand by me and love me.

Have you ever had everything you could ever ask for but question all of it? have you ever questioned reality? questioned your own existance and its purpose? Have you ever looked at the people around you and wondered what they really saw in you when all you see is emptiness?
Have you ever feared losing someone you loved so much? have you ever held a secret deep inside that you wish you could scream to the world and hope someone would understand and comfort you?
Have you ever faked for so long it became a reality? Have you ever known deep down the right answer but still questioned it everyday in hopes that answer would change? have you ever wanted to scream so loud that all of your emotions would come spewing out and suddently you could float away?

I have.

their taking all my organs!

So many things happened this week! first off lets catch up...Remember all those emotional bipolar mood swings I was having? I was in the middle of one Sunday when I had a very sudden takemybreathaway sort of pain on my upper abdomen. First thought in my mind was A. I am having a heart attack, B. I just tore my stomach open somehow..(yes the pain was really that bad.) After going back into my room and crying my eyes out due to anxiety, stress and now a sharp pain I made the decision to go to the ER and make sure I was alright. I should have already known something this stupid would have happened....I had an idiot Doctor, what else should I have expected at Utah valley hospital? Good doctors?? never! anyway so as I usually have to do when i see those doctors i proceded to tell him what tests I should have done since he was just trying to treat me for an anxiety attack (moron). During the time he did an ultrasound of my upper abs the extremely nice ultrasound tech asked me about my last meal.... and I proceeded to tell him that I had only eaten one bite of food roughly 10 hours prior due to feeling quite nauseous and slightly crazy. His response was "huh...thats weird" and said nothing else. Even though I understand he isnt supposed to diagnose me I eventually got him to tell me that my gallbladder was contracted, and that he saw some stones. We discussed that this contraction only happens after a big meal and that it was weird that this was not my case at all. Later the doctor we will call Dr. Moron came into the room and proceeded to talk about this same thing. He insisted that i was lying to him about the last time I ate because it was not possible.... he then told me that my nervous breakdown was all in my head and it could never relate to my stomach, once again said i had anxiety and sent me home. I was not happy about this at all but did just as I was told... took the meds and passed out. The next morning I woke up feeling worst than ever.. between the incredible urge to kill everyone and the nausea, stomach pains and acid reflux I knew something was wrong and I was pretty determined to find out. Most people that know me well know that I study so much about the human body I probably know more than half those idiots in that hospital... so once again I went back to the hospital in hopes of someone who would listen. This doctor was still an idiot... BUT he was nice, caring and willing to listen to my theories and not just send me home. His first idea was a cat scan to check my stomach. (worthless because you cannot see gallbladders through cat scans enough to tell what is going on.) but he felt it was necessary so we did it anyway. He tells me I have an infection located roughly where my pain was, which then led him to assume he figured it out... and tried to send me home again! I cried. I cried out of frustration. I asked him to do another ultrasound.... and needless to say 10 minutes later I was admited for emergency surgery on my now very inflamed gallbladder. Thanks for nothing doctors...  Turns out after while doing some research... I came to find out one of the first symptoms of gallbladder infection/stones is anger, mood swings, anxiety and panic attacks... and I found SEVERAL articles about it... yet neither one of the doctors knew this...did you get your degree from a cereal box?
These guys were going to open me up! how reassuring eh? Anyway about 10 hours later and many many doses of narcotics I was put under and my little worthless gallbladder was removed. Happy it was over but sad i had to recouperate again I woke up several hours later with nothing but love surrounding me :) and not knowing this week would turn into a nightmare. What was supposed to be a 1 day outpatient surgery slowly turned into a week.... a simple surgery slowly turned into 2 surgeries because of an infection.... and suddently I had liver failure and instead of treating me for it the stupid nurses kept putting catheters in me in hopes I just wasnt peeing due to the anasthetics/narcotics.... wow. It was way too much stupid for one week! I finally came home, after a miracle everything started working again. I felt so blessed. In so many ways. every single day I had multiple visits from quite a few people... and realized that I am incredibly blessed to have this much love in my life. So many caring words... Mallori brought me her blankie, which helped me get through the nights  (im still sleeping with it) and Carson tucked me in every night and put me to sleep.... I could not ask for a better best friend or a better boyfriend. Ive been home since yesterday and I am taking it one day at a time. I am still quite nauseous and food has become a task. Bedrest is honestly torture and I really miss the gym but I am being optimistic and hoping that I will conquer this too, just like I have everything else. I have been humbled by my experiences lately. I learned that I have a lot more love in my life than I ever thought. I am so grateful...for my family.. my friends.. my amazing boyfriend who amazes me more and more every single day because he keeps proving to me that I deserve someone that special who truly cares.
I hope to be out of this bed again soon and enjoying fall. Thanks for all the love and support!

Mood swings

     Anyone else have crazy hormonal episodes? because mine are totally out of whack. I had an extremely bipolar week lol. I am hoping and praying this will pass, for everyone's sake! I Went fourwheeling again today and got rained out... then found out my camera decided to retire after a very dusty summer (sand dunes and camping were rough on my camera)..
     Working out has been great!!! minus releasing the endorphins which should be helping my mood. After learning how to work out efficiently and correctly with my personal trainner I actually enjoy what im doing. I think im addicted... I clearly would rather work out than do almost everything. I also noticed that now that I am working out I actually eat better too. I think its mostly because im aware of how long it takes to burn what I eat.....which in return makes me have some guilt. I went to the gas station the other day and gave in to buying some chocolate, as i drove and looked at the chocolate I threw it out the window. This was quite the step for me. I find that buying lean cuisine and smart ones frozen dinners works perfectly for me. They are all packed full of protein and perfect portions for me to split throughout lunch and dinner. (they also taste pretty awesome). I have found that my intake of water has gotten better too, thanks to my new found love for slushy ice water :). I have now lost 35 lbs! I feel great! Tomorrow I am going to buy new pants because none of mine currently fit me and im sure everyone is sick of seeing me in sweat pants lol.
     Other than the crazy mood swings the last few days I am doing really well. I am oh so happy I am finally able to take baths again... finally 6 weeks have passed! I can't believe how fast it went too! I can't believe its Fall... I can't believe this year is almost over. So much has happened this year. I am so grateful for the people in my life that are so patient and loving towards me. I am such a lucky girl!